Top Ten Performances- Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Out of ten performances, there was only one that shone last night. You have to be kidding if this is what viewers will be treated to for the whole summer then the show should be renamed to cruel and unusual punishment. The performances were out of tune, off key, lacklustre and less then stellar performances. There was only one idolteer that shone and that was Drew Wright. If this keeps up, Canadian Idol need not torture viewers for the whole season just give the Idol title to Drew and be done with it. The performances were so bad in comparison to last year’s competitors and it reminds me of the Sanjaya disaster season on American Idol.

This article is written and owned by: Arnelle Durocher

It was comical to see judges grovel and lie about the performances, whom did they think they were kidding.

The show opens and Ben Mulroney does his best to sound enthusiastic about the theme and the competitors. Ben must have heard the competitors practicing and knew it would be a night of doom.

Ben introduces the judges and that weasel Zach Warner is wearing silver eye-makeup if you please. Um Zack babe silver is not your colour.

Drew Wright opens the show singing David Bowe’s Five years. It was great, I do not know why some of the judges did not like the performance he blew it out of the ballpark, it was not overdone and in tune. Jake Gold thought he sang it well, tried to pull a Paula Abdul and said, he wished Drew would play the drums on another night. Hey Jake, what is the problem; Drew sang it well and played the drums well all at the same time. That is what we the viewers are here for and hoping on viewing, good solid performances! Sass Jordon thought he looked amazing and thought it was awesome. Farley thought it was creative and he took the song to a new level, but Drew was not animated and he was sitting down on the job, which Farley thought did not help him. Really!!! Farley, he was sitting because he was playing the drums, this is not a marching band competition, it is an idol competition. Zach the hack thought it was a good cheap trick. Zach really you looked like a drag queen tonight and really you need to clean out your ears. Drew said he would bring it next week. Drew has no worries he was the only idolteer to hit it out of the ballpark tonight.

Adam Castelli thought he would ride his motorcycle on stage; it was the most interesting part of his performance. Adam sang Rebel, Rebel. I thought if he screeched anymore that the wax in Farley’s, Jakes, Zach and Sass’s ears would fall out. It was another horrible performance by another idolteer. Sass was nervous, thought it was a perfect song out of the Bowie songs because it did not take a lot of melody. Sass has that right; Adam in fact did not sing with a hint of melody, it was bland and boring. Now get this Farley thought Adam brought more energy then Adam had been bringing. Really Farley, it was a snooze fest, there was no energy to be found in that sad performance. Zack thought it was a credible song for what Adam has done so far. Zach can you explain what you think Adam has done so far, besides screechy performances. Jake cloned Zach and thought that it was by far the best thing Adam has done so far. If this is his best then I hate to hear his worst. My ears may never be the same from hearing that rebel performance.

The night progresses and gets worst, Mark Day decided he was going to do ” Dancing in the street”, originally sung by Martha Reeves and the Vandellas. Bowie did his rendition of the song, however, Martha and the Vandellas knew how to Dance in the streets. This song is really a song about dancing. Mark may of shaked his booty but he really did not sing this song well nor did he dance well. He totally bombed. Mark was not alone all the competitors bombed accept for one. The judges had tears in their eyes while they were practically rolling around with laughter. Zach’s big bright spotlight of the night was that he thought he just swallowed his gum. Do tell! Zach smacking gum while on a live television show, how professional! Zach thought it was campy and vampy and hey, it was right up Zach’s Alley, I guess just like silver eye shadow. Jake found it hard to watch and thought he did a decent job of the song. Sass loved the wiggle at the end and said it was the best singing Mark had done so far. This is the part where the judges lied to Mark’s face and to viewers. All four of them yet!

The dreary night moves along and up next was Mookie Morris singing ” The Man Who Sold the World”, it was another awful off key, high-pitched performance. The judges must have secretly picked straws to pick who would be the one to say lousy performance. Jake decided to be honest and told Mookie his performance was not on par. Stupid is, Stupider and Stupidest all gleefully loved it, the variation and continued lying comments.

At this point, I thought the performances would get better. Alas, it was not to be, another pitiful performance given by Amberly Theissen. The judges did not like it at all and that made Ben Mulroney angry. Um Ben dear, you are not there to judge, just host. Stop being a Ryan Seacrest or is Ryan trying to host like you. There is way too much cloning going on with these idol shows.

I was starting to be depressed because only one single performance thus far had hit it out of the ballpark and even made the show worth watching tonight.

Sebastian Pigott sung, “Let’s spend the night together”. I wished we did not have to view or spend anytime on another letdown performance. I was beginning to become miserable with what I was hearing and viewing.

Earl Stevenson sang “Rock and Roll Suicide”; he pretty much murdered the song and committed suicide with his rendition and performance. I was started to get real agitated seven performances and six of them were just as pitiful as the next. Farley was excited and told him that everytime Earl performs; he was glad that Earl allowed him to be on his show and thanks him. Farley must not get out too much. Jake babbled on with delusions that ended likening the performance to Leonard Cohen and Old Blue eyes smoking Blow on the top of some mountain. What! That was a deranged comment, Zach must have indulged on top of that mountain that he was talking about. However, Zach said he was totally down with it. Jake said, he thought it lacked David Bowe melody, but it was fun to watch and he sang it the way Earl would sing it. Then he offered that is what he loved about Earl. Sass thought he was riveting to watch and she did not know how no one could not fall in love with him. More lies from the judges, Earl in fact tanked in his performance like eight others.

Up next was Katherine St. Laurent singing, “Cat People” Zach said that Katherine was getting more comfortable, he could not hear every note off the top because the band was loud. Then the idiot says that the things that she did and progressed  with in her performances, told Zach that with the right producer, Katherine could make a huge rock record. Zach if you did not hear every note, it tells me that you are talking through your arse as usual. Jake heard the notes and felt that they were perfect and it was the best performance of the night. Sass thought that Katherine had amazing stage presence and that she reminded her of a young Debra Harry only she felt Kate sang better. Farley felt it was a phenomenal performance and agreed with Jake one hundred percent. Then Farley pulled a Paula Abdul and parroted the other judges.

The doom and gloom performance continued with Theo Tams who sang ” Silly Boy Blue” in which I became blue at his performance coupled with the other eight piss poor performances I had heard. His performance pretty much sucked.  Jakes thanks Theo for introducing him to a song he did not know. He felt that Theo is in a completely different league then everyone else. LMAO, I would concur but not in the same way that Jake thinks of that league.

Thank-fully and with the mercy and grace of God/ess Mitch Macdonald ended Idol fan misery and sang Moon Age Daydream. No surprises Mitch bombed like the other eight idolteers. Sass haggled and giggled that she is a huge Mitch fan and that he could pretty much sing the phone book and she would like it. Well Sass your wish came through he sang the phonebook and it sucked. Farley said it was not pitch perfect, but overall he had a nice presence on stage. Yes Mitch is a cutie, but he needs to sing better, it is not about how cute he is, it is about how well he sings. Zach thought he picked an obscure song and that Mitch was the most improved player by a million miles. Jake was familiar with that song, he thought it was a perfect song for his range, the kind of tone that he sings, pitchy moments but overall he thought it was a real strong performance.

First, everyone needs to send the four judge’s ear wax removal kits and second send Zach make-up removal puffs.

So there you have it, the top ten performances that include eight males and two females. I felt last week that there was a little gender bias going on; Canadian Idol never seems to have many minorities either in their show. The performances by the top ten sucked! Nine of the competitors had murdered and slaughtered the David Bowie Songs, they left the viewers miserable and discontent and it as indeed Cruel and Unusual punishment. I may never recuperate from these performances that I heard tonight. Can it get any worse? I seriously hope not. The top ten soon to be the top nine will have to do better then this. They simply have to be joking if they think that is strong perfect singing or even passable performances.

The stupid award is given to Zach, for his silver eye-makeup. The stupiest award goes to Zach for smacking his gum and then sharing with us he swallowed it. ( Rolling eyes)!

The best performance of the night and overall was Drew Wright.

The worst performance of the night was all nine of the other competitors.

Who is going home: Any one of the nine can go home it does not make a difference.

Who will be going home: Anyone but Drew Wright.

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